Fuck me: I'm stupid,

and I want to die. The force of reason sputtering deadly home in my brain makes absolutely no sense, and i'm a hated object because i want to be hated, and i'm ugly because whatever there is inside that makes me desire the hatred of others is disgusting and ugly, O god, you can't stand still on a moving train, and it's been four years, four years and I have been living every day in a way that will make my stories fun for him, stories in my mind of when i was saved and it was raining and he came and took me and when i tried to make him hate me he didn't, he just laughed, and kissed me with big hands on my face, and i had never felt love like that before, ever, the total acceptance of me, completion...and we never touched after that...just one kiss burning in my mind and with the wine and ciggarettes of every night sometimes i recall, and write in my head, though i never write to him at all. but now i'm a little afraid, a little, and can't deal, and i'm a little afraid, no no no, i'm weird, and have destroyed again a situation, not for myself, but for the ones i love, because i forget, and get so disgustingly egocentric that i cannot stop, i cannot stop until hit or abused, and then it's okay, and then i sleep like a baby. okay, this is the love of my life, i'm gonna see him today, i don't know what else to write about him...excess brimming over-- i'll always love him but it doesn't matter...
oh god, i really wish that the next time i say a really bad joke someone will just shoot me.

"i close my eyes and all the world drops dead
i lift my lids and all begins again
I think i made you up inside my head"